Thanks to Daylight Savings Time, we’ve recently “gained” an hour, and I’m starting to feel the ol’ seasonal affective disorder kick in. I mean, did most of you spend the “extra hour” sitting cross-legged in the dark, contemplating all the bad choices you’ve made in your life so far, feeling vitamin A drain out of your body in inverse proportion to the growing sense that you’ll never truly love or be loved? Well, if you think you may have SAD (Aww, isn’t that an adorable acronym?), here’s a handy quiz you can take to find out for sure!
1. When the sun sets, I am usually:
a.) Whistling as I work. I love work! And whistling! Tweedle tweedle!
b.) Watching Oprah give away 600 thread count, organic, cotton sheet sets to South African orphans.
c.) Crying, curled up in a fetal position.
2. In Winter, I especially like to:
a.) Ski! Give me a brisk day and a snowy mountain and I’m in heaven! Tweedly tweedle!
b.) Watch hockey, snowboarding, and Party of Five reruns.
c.) Cry, curled up in a fetal position in a bed I haven’t left all day.
3. Most of my friends would say I am:
a.) Super fun and a super duper nice person! Tweedle tweedle twee twee!
b.) In control. Robin, Dr. Phil’s wife, says I can make deliberate choices that lead to a richer, happier, and more meaningful life.
c.) Crying, curled up in a fetal position in a bed I haven’t left all day, which is filled with used tissues.
4. One thing that really gets on my nerves is:
a.) Mean people. Boo on meanies! Tweedle weedle wee wee wee!
c.) Crying, curled up in a fetal position in a bed I haven’t left all day, which is filled with used tissues and an ever increasing amount of Cool Ranch Dorito crumbs.
5. Waking up in the morning, I think:
a.) Wow, Jesus sure did make another blue-ribbon winner of a hum-dingingly glorious day! Tweedle deedle doo!
b.) Did I already miss The View?
c.) Oh, I’m still crying, curled up in a fetal position in a bed I haven’t left in five days, which is filled with used tissues, an ever increasing amount of Cool Ranch Dorito crumbs, and an unshakable sense that I’m an ultimately useless collection of molecules destined to live out a meaningless existence only to find myself at the end of it–having never even had so much as one decent hair cut– unloved, unaccomplished and deeply and utterly alone.
Time for scoring!
Mostly (a)s: You can fuck yourself.
Mostly (b)s: Congrats. You’re slugging through.
Mostly (c)s: Hey, do you get that cold, empty feeling in your chest? Like no amount of Cool Ranch Doritos or praise or human touch will ever be enough? Well, only about five more months to go.
Hope that was helpful, guys! Happy Daylight Savings Time!