That’s how I feel upon finding pieces of bubble wrap to gleefully pop (seriously, how good is that?), upon finding gluten-free sweet treats to gleefully shove down my gullet (shout out to my Crohn’s-inflicted brethren), and, of course, upon finding scam emails in my inbox to which I can gleefully respond (see the Nanny Square entries).
So, I’ve been looking for apartments on Craigslist. That’s pretty much all you need to know to enjoy this most recent exchange. You probably don’t need to know that I’ve also been trolling the personals section, shocked, amazed and I must admit intrigued by people who describe the woman they’re looking for as “having little to no gag reflex” and then go on to say, ” I am fireman, and you could do much worse ladies, I can promise you that!” Well, hello, dreamboat.
But back on track. I responded to an apartment listing that sounded a little too good to be true. Sadly, when things sound too good to be true, they usually are. (What? Someone who’s looking for a person with little to no gag reflex? That’s totally me! I’m totally gonna respon….oh, wait. He’s a fireman. Sigh. I can’t stand the thought of such a wonderful, special, and eloquent someone who I would no doubt totally fall for endangering his life like that! I just can’t risk getting hurt. Not again. Not this time. I knew it was too good to be true! No, no, don’t mind me. My absent gag reflex and I will just be crouching in this darkened corner for a while, weeping.)
Here’s what I sent the guy:
I’m really interested in your apartment for rent and I’d like to see it as soon as possible. Are you available to show it on Sunday, June 22?
[And then my phone number. Which I flatter myself to think would be unwise to reproduce here, with so many readers gazing at this space expectantly, waiting for any opportunity to gain access into my thrilling private life. Have I mentioned that I troll personal ads for kicks? Well, hello, dreamboat.]
Here’s what I received, about 24 hours later:
Thanks for your email and it is my gladness to hearing from you.My name is Rev Johnny Bradley the owner of the house you are making enquiry of…Actually I resided in the house with my family,such as my wife and my only daugther before and presently we had packed due to my transfer from my working place and now situated in united states and presently my house is still available for rent including the utilities like hydro/heat drywasher and security and bills,Everything in the flat is well fully furnised.
Moreso Now,I went for a crusade in West Africa and i will like you to get in touch with my wife in united states for more discussion as She is with the keys and the document to the flat.Pls i want you to note that,I am a kind and honest man and also i spent alot on my property that i want to give you for rent,so i will solicit for your absolute mentenance of this house and want you to treat it as your own,is that taken,it is not the money the main problem but want you to keep it tidy all the time so that i will be glad to see it neat when i came for a check up.i do that once in a while.I also want you to let me have trust in you as I always stand on my word.
Send my wife Joy an Immediate message, on ( email@example.com )and she will attends to you better on how to proceed
Thanks and you are welcome
Total score! I love it all, from the alliteration of “Johnny and Joy” to the way he seems to be having a level one, English-as-a-second-language conversation with himself in “Thanks and you are welcome” to the fact that he so casually sneaks in: “…when i came for a check up.i do that once in a while.I also…” Pardon me? You do that once in a while? Oh, okay. I guess it’s no big deal, since you didn’t include any spaces around that sentence. I look forward to your visits, then. In fact, when you came for a check up, I’ll probably greet you with a, “Well, hello, dreamboat.”
I’m hoping to keep this correspondence going for a while. Note my expert ability to overlook his instructions to write to Joy Derrick, in the hopes that he’ll feel compelled to write back:
Thanks you Rev Johnny for your quick and thoughtful responds to my inquiry. I am pleased gladly to know the drywasher is included in the flat fully furnised and that bills are included.
Will Rev Johnny respond? How’s progress on the West African crusade? What the heck is a drywasher? Answers in the next installment of “It is my gladness!” (*fingers crossed*)